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From Islam to Christianity

Ahmed Abaza (Hope Shine)

          My name is Ahmad Mustafa Abaza, the son of the famous business man Mustafa Abaza from the Abaza family, the most famous family in Egypt that play an important role in the economy and politics in Egypt and in the Middle Eastern Arabic countries. I have found the light of God finally and became one of Jesus Christ's witnesses on his miracles in my life and many others.

This testimony I write to those who are earnestly searching for the truth and in response to the invitation of God, the Truth Himself. I responded to the call of Christ to carry my cross without fear of what I would face by leaving my earthily religion. Was it the Lord who said “Do not fear of those who kill the body? I followed the Lord carrying my cross knowing that in the Cross of Christ, I will find not only my salvation but also my strength and it is the road to his kingdom. In the Cross we have eternal life, virtue, sanctification and the source of day to day abundant life. Carrying the cross, no matter how hard it is, will lead my way to the eternal peace which I longed for all my life. Think of all the saints and martyrs of Christianity. Had any of them lived without carrying his cross? Was it easy to do so? But look how the eternal peace flowed from their faces as they face torture and death. Even the Lord of glory himself lived through pain every minute of his life on earth. “For Christ also must suffer and die then rise from the grave……..

          Thus if we suffer with Him we shall reign with him also. When we follow Christ in his suffering we will share with him in his glory. What a blessed thought!!.Should we ask then for a life of complacency and comfort here? Or could there be any joy and comfort without Jesus on this earth? Of course not!.

            My friend! Be prepared to receive Christ knowing that this world which hated your savior and Lord will hate you also. “The servant is not better than his master”. The lord Jesus carried his cross and suffering because his love to you and me. Should I refuse to carry my cross for Him? Be ready my friend to carry you cross and follow Him knowing that the suffering of this world ………

Respond to his call “if anybody loves me…………

          I say the truth before heaven and earth, telling only a part of what I have to go through after I accepted Christ as my Lord and Savior and have been freed from the darkness of religion.

          I do not know what crime I have committed when I accepted Jesus as my Lord. Is it a crime to receive freedom after imprisonment? Or to receive light after living in darkness? Is’nt it the right of every human to search for the truth, to learn, to think to know and to speak? Would anybody listen to my cry and give me an answer??

          Let us go back in history to meet the unlearned young nomad who lacked in love and humanity, and who called himself a prophet. Let us review what he said in his book which he claimed to be inspired by the “merciful god” who has no mercy. This book which intends to burry the human brains in old fables and false imaginations. This book which talks about freedom of faith on one hand and urge the Muslims to fight and kill nonbelievers on the other hand. Let me share with you one chapter from the prosecution and suffering which I have faced after confessing Christ as my God and Savior in the presence of my family.

          I shall share with you only one chapter which would expose the corruption of Islamic rules in my beloved country Egypt, which was called “blessed” by our God. These rulers who use religion for their own benefit and are scared of truth but love lies, who reject the right and follow the wrong. Those who pretend to be pure and godly while their goal is to govern at any cost. They are willing to kill their followers, their brothers, and even their children to reach their goal making the remains of the faithful the bridges to walk over to their goals.

          I cry with a loud voice” it is time to use our minds to study and analyze” to reach courageous conclusion and to present the truth, the plain truth. I can surely say that the road to search for the truth is not easy, and only brave men and women would be willing to go through it. (The Lord names it the narrow road). I am humbled to confess that the Lord has honored me by making me one of those who was looking for the truth at any cost

          And although the light which I carry is feeble, its oil my tears. Even after my tears dry up, my heart will send its blood to replace them. It is only Jesus, the Truth himself, kept giving me the victory.

          After I accepted Christ as my savior, and after I took off my old clothes and put on Christ, I continued to live among my beloved family. I prayed and cried to the Lord to give me courage, strength, and wisdom that I may bring happiness to my family and that they may receive the light, life, and truth. I started talking to them gradually. Sometimes they ignore me. Other times the threatened me. Several times they called me crazy and threatened me. The Holy Spirit in me continued to prompt me to talk to my family despite their ridicule to me. To my surprise I never became angry at them despite their attitude towards me. In January 1987, I was able with the help of the Holy Spirit to overcome the satanic spirit in my father and brother and was able to announce to them that I became a Christian and that I have one God and one Lord, the Lord Jesus Christ.

      My beloved father (who will remain my beloved the rest of my life) continued to ridicule me and call me names on one hand and try to bribe in the other hand to convince me to denounce Christ. I never denied my Lord .How could I turn back to darkness after receiving the Light? My father called the family council to meet to discuss this dangerous and very important matter which will reflect on the family name and its social status (as he called it). In this meeting were present my uncles Dr M.A. the ex. Minster of Hydro Egypt, F. A. the famous writer and historian, Th. A. the beloved of all, and W. A. the wealthy business man an famous car dealer. Also were present my father M. A. and my brother R. A. The women had no say in this serious meeting. Discussion started between my beloved and educated family quietly. After a little while it turned to screams and mutual accusations. My beloved father was in hot water because of the family’s honor. My father turned on me because I was the one who placed him in this position. The meeting ended up without decision. The family delegated my father to deal with me and work on restoring the family’s honor. However I have noticed the silence of my uncle F. who seamed convinced with my answers. Suddenly my father stood in the middle of the room and vowed to solve this problem from its roots, even if he had to kill me and burry me in his garden. First he denied my son ship saying that I am a bastard. In the next few weeks our house turned to hell. This house which was filled with false peace and love, was turned upside down showing its real face when it was exposed to the light of Christ. The darkness could not withstand the light.

    My father started following the tricks of his maser to turn me back to Islam. He brought Sheikh El Shaarawy to convince me. (I recorded our discussions in a booklet, which will be published soon), with no results. Then he tried to bribe me with presents and promises. This also failed. Then he started using his last resource, which are the threat and the torture.

     My beloved father started beating me with his hands, which, used to be my resting place for my little head when I was a child. These hands which presented to me the symbol of strength and protection. These hands which I loved to kiss to prove my love and respect to my father. Now these hands became the tools of torture. These hands which used to carry the expensive cigars which became my fathers tool to threat me. This cigar which have entered the history similar to the sword of Mohamed who killed all his opposition.

       Mercy didn’t know way to my beloved father’s heart, he burnt my body –me, his son- no for mercy, yes for cruelty, yes to contempt the others, torturing them under the name of Islam, and for the sake of Islam. Unreal slogans to gain money, to keep authority and chairs, where is the real fatherhood in my fathers’ heart.

      My father despaired of me, some times he was breaking anything next to him, even the valuable things, he turned to a monster…. he lost his beloved son …. He allowed his devil to steal the best meaning in this world from his heart –the sacred fatherhood- he was pleased to hang me by chains, torturing me sometimes by electricity, and by iron in another’s, his voice was raising priding with my torment and misery. But if he tried to kill the body, the soul is still alive with Jesus, still beats and cheers saying “glory to the Lord”.

      Believe me, I know you’ll understand me, these torments, no matter how painful they are, II received them with joy, because He too –Our Jesus Christ- suffered for us.

      My father and my brother, kept using this tactic till my body collapsed, full of wounds and injuries, and turned to a dead body, but my soul was clinging to hope and trust in God.

      Full four months, fever got my body, but couldn’t get my soul –I don’t like here to speak a lot about these merciless pains I faced in my family’s home, but when I remember and think in these events, I can’t believe or imagine –despite I lived with all of it- how can I imagine my father pleased to torture me, and his laughs were raising to fill the whole palace when hearing my shouting and yelling because of much pain and wounds, how can I imagine my beloved father screaming to deny me, shouting that death is better for me than bringing a scandal for the family. He, my beloved father, who was lavishing on us everything in this world, even the most expensive things, now he is resisting everyone, refusing their requests, specially my mother, to mercy me, he even was not concerned with their petitions and their tears to bring me a doctor to bandage my bleeding wounds.

      How can I imagine my beloved father, cruel, missing the sacred fatherhood for some vain worldly whims, it is not new, he followed his master, Mohammed from Korish, who sacrificed his sons to the devil, who gave Aesha as a sacrifice, how can I imagine a father with no mercy, no humanity, no feelings.

      Dear father, who gave yourself easily to the devil, who tried to kill your beloved son, I love you from my deep heart, I love you for ever, and when you read these words, you’ll know one day what means these words “love never fails”.

       After my body collapsed with fever, and wounded, my father left me with no mercy to die, and stayed watching me dying, torturing me with his cigar and beating me with a strap. He left me dying, but my mother didn’t, she left all her engagements to stay near to me, her soul was close to mine, trying to console my soul. The greatest condolences were from God, who talked to me, and showed me many revelations (all of these will be published in another book called “How I learned in the ways of Christ” to be published soon”.

      At the night of July 13, 1987, the night I will never forget, God glorified and raised my weak, poor body, asking me to move, I looked at him saying “I can’t my Lord”, “he said: wake up, give me your hands”, and with his blessed hands I held and a great power revived my dead body. It was the day I escaped from the palace of captivity, from my family house, the place where I spent 19 years, 3 months, and 17 days with my beloved family.

      I put my hands on the steering wheel, but I didn’t know where to go, which road to go through, and with no thinking I found myself knocking Professor. (G.M.)’s door, who hugged me with a deep passion; I missed this feeling for more than 7 months.

      Days and months went with peace and freedom at my Professor’s home, but my father’s soul appeared again in another shape, this time they were the guards of Islamic guards who don’t sleep for one hour, they are like soldiers, their mission is only to destroy the truth, entomb the right, and assassinate any idea opposes their thinking. This day I’ll never forget too, how much horrible it was, how much painful it was for my doctor’s family, I lived to that day as a beloved son, and welcomed guest in Dr. (G.M.) house, but on this day, when he opened the door, he knew the comers from their faces, despite that he welcomed them and faced them with confidence and love, but they ignored his gentle treatment. I asked them what they want. The officer answered me with cunning and devious “Ahmed Bye, we need to talk… but not here, your father is sick and dying and he asked to see you, I looked at him with tearful eyes saying “give me five minutes and I’ll be with you”. Actually I entered my room to pray and to ask God to lead me, I decided to go but my Professor followed me to the room and I felt he wants me not to go, not to believe those people, he read my intention, then he hugged me and cried. This was the last time to see these tears and this kind man. I said to the officer “let’s go”. At the door I looked at my Professor and I hugged him again, I wished if I could stay in his hug forever, I put in his pocket a piece of paper asking him to keep my belongings in a safe place. These were the books I found in my car after escaping from my family home, they are precious Islamic books, and very rare too. I don’t remember from where I got them, it seems I was reading them and left them one day in my car.

      It was 2 O’clock when I reached the Public Security Building, there I found a Brigadier waiting to me with a false smile on his face and deep rage in his heart. Forgive me if I forget some of these events, many years passed, and I trained myself to forget all what behind specially these pains, it’s better to look ahead, towards the aim as St. Paul, the Apostle taught me.

      The trip of suffering and torments started and lasted for 17 months with Public Security men, those people who cover themselves with the name of religion, everyday I had a visitor, a sheikh, various committees from Al Azhar, many faces, famous names to advice me, and to get me back, they tried a lot of friendly ways, tried to tempt me to obey them, to fulfill their job and to get the charge from my family, but they fizzled out.

      And because of their failure and disappointing with me during the first three months, I was surprised with two soldiers and an officer with furious, and boiling faces are opening my cell’s door (which was some how luxurious than the other cells), I understood that they will torture me. I was horrified when I saw how many tools they use. Thick canes of bamboo, tormented a lot of innocent bodies, these canes fell on my body accompanied with a lot of curses, and abuses, I got a beat on my knee, then I fell on the ground yelling “Oh, Jesus, the great lord”, when they heard that, they boiled and stormed me with a lot of beats, I didn’t feel them, I found myself hung by my legs to the ceiling, like a sacrifice, and my eyes glared at the ceiling, and I’m yelling. I can’t account how long I spent in this condition, and the soldiers are happy to abuse my body, as if it is shouting “hey, Islam is the right way, you faithless”.

      I don’t know how many days I spent suffering and wounded, I waked up to find that they replaced the luxurious cell with a dungeon, like a dog cage, contains a small pail of water, and another to pee in.

      Two soldiers came and took me to another Brigadier’s office; I entered bounded to see Sheikh Shaarawi catching his beads, looking at me in hatred and contempt. This wasn’t the first time to meet this famous Sheikh, I met him over 12 times as I remember, but this time was different, he was looking at me as an enemy not as an advisor, I saw his real face which I already know very well since I was a child. This Sheikh, who sold himself to the devil, he did the same like his great, double faced, Sheikh Abu Horayra, his master and his teacher too. Sheikh Shaarawi who is a drunken man, who was addicted to wine and pretty young women. This Sheikh who was an easy tool for the Public Security hands, this Sheikh I need a lot of books to tell you about him, to unveil all his secrets, his shameful stories.

Thanks God, there are still some people who know the real face of this Sheikh, and one day they will tell all the truth about him. My father and my brother too, even his son “Sami Shaarawi”, and most of the employees in his farm at El Mariouteya, one day they will say the truth.

More than 150 Christians slaved by this sheikh and his net, they were captured under pressure, by disgracing their daughters, by invention false offences against them, and many other ways to get Jesus’ followers, and capture them to obey their desires, and to execute their targets.

      The great witness for all of these deeds, are the men of Public Security, who covered all of these offences, and blessed it. There are many files with hundred secrets for this Sheikh and his net, which was established to abuse poor Christians and to change their faith.

       I believe that the history is always honest, as he showed all the secrets of Mohammed and his Koran, and his missionary, one day he will do the same and open all the files of Shaarawi, and spread his papers everywhere to tell his secrets for everybody.

      It’s time for slack minds which lie in the spot of corruption, it’s time to liberate from this captivity, to break the rails of prison, the rails put by Mohammed to slave these minds inside it, and be sure that you will repeat his words when he conquered Mecca, you’ll say like him “the virtue has come, the evil has left”. Forgive me if I disturbed you by this marginal speech, I feel this is the subject’s core.

     The visits of Shaarawi didn’t produce anything, this one, and the others, didn’t serve their aims. I know that all of these visits were charged by the President himself; he sent me the Secretariat of his office and the Secretary of his office for Religious Affairs and others like the secretary of my father’s office, the secretary of my uncle’s office (M.A.), or even the visit of my uncle (Th.A.) himself which ended his visit with tears when he didn’t recognize me, either his sight has weakened or my look have mangled.

     I hoped to see my father coming to see me, but this was just a wish. Anyway thanks God (glory be to Him) he gave me all this power to overcome this world and all of these trials to flex me, all these visits didn’t produce any success for the enemy, and victory was for Jesus.

     Many of the prison keepers became my friends after they have understood what it means to be faithful to the truth despite the increasing torture. They told me about the hundreds or may be thousands whom they have witnessed tortured for the sake of Christ. These dear souls are filling the Egyptian prisons and suffering from sickness, pain, and torture. Why? So that their bodies and blood would act as the bridges for the unjust to reach to higher places in authority.

      Seventeen months has passed. Christ was my only companion in my prison. His closeness was sufficient to shorten this period for me despite my suffering. The prayers of the saints were my support. I felt the real presence of my Lord and was comforted. In his time I was released from prison to see the sun for the first time after seventeen months. By the grace of god I was able to summarize my experience, my conversations with the Lord, and his great comforts in a book “How I learned in the ways of Christ” (to be published soon). In another book, I will share about the period when I was baptized, the period I have spent in the monastery in the Egyptian desert, and how I fled from my beloved country hidden inside a container, as well as other precious memories.

     And to my loved ones who are protectors of Islam and keepers of the satanic inspired book through Mohamed of Korish, to them I say “the time has come for the whole world to know the truth about Islam. The time has come to face our Muslim friends and tell them “enough killing, enough torturing the innocent”. The time has come to cry in their faces we want the full freedom and not part of it. Release the prisoners for their faith. It is time to remove the dirt from the history books and purify the minds from that shameful period of time.

     My call to every free writer and free thinker to turn his eyes towards Egypt and see the crimes against human rights. I cry to all human right societies around the world. “We need a courageous stand and a living conscience to save the Egyptian Christians, who are treated as infidels, From the Islamic tyrants. I challenge the human right societies to inspect the Egyptian prisons, police stations, and state security agents against Christians to verify my claims.

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My Experience With Islam

(An apostate’s testimony)

Jahed Ahmed

E-mail: anondomela@yahoo.com ^ up

“I’m not a citizen of Greece or Athens; I’m a citizen of the world”. 2500 years have passed since a Greek philosopher said so, meantime, human civilizations have made magnificent progress; our knowledge about the world and universe has increased by many folds, yet in our modern world, there are not many people, who take pride in their identity as world citizen. Even to date, mankind is divided into so many factions under identities defined by race, religion etc. Not so long ago, I myself also took pride in my first identity as a Muslim. It was Islam that dictated my personal identity of who I’m, my daily activities and my morals. It went as far as regulating, from what kind of food I should eat, to what kind people I should make friendship with. How sad it is to realize- I've spent so many years of my life under an ideology, which is authoritarian, gender-biased, dogmatic and highly provincial in its outlook toward humanity. I will provide solid basis for saying so about my ex-religion. But before that, let me give a personal background.

Birth and my family: I was born in 1973 in a middle class rural family in Bangladesh. My parents had named me after Islam’s prophet, Muhammad. My name, therefore, is Mohammed Jahed Ahmed. ‘Ahmed’ is also another name of the prophet. It is a widely held belief among Muslims, that if a person is named after the prophet, in the after life- during the day of last judgment, prophet would recommend him/her to Allah for entry to paradise. I lost my father when I was just 3 years. So I'm not able to recall any personal memory with him, but from what I heard from my mother, relatives and all the acquaintances of my father- he was a very religious man. And so is my mother, who is alive to date. I've three elder brothers and one sister, who is oldest. In terms of their positions in Islam, my mother, all my brothers and sister, possibly belong to ‘mainstream’ Muslims, who are immensely mistaken about their beliefs in Islam. Again, I will save my comments about ‘mainstream’ Muslims for a later time.

My childhood and adolescence period (1973 to 1992) as a pious Muslim boy: Up to the age of eighteen, I spent time in my village. My childhood education started both in school and mosque simultaneously. From the age of six, I started going to village government funded school for primary education, and to mosque in the neighborhood for Islamic education. I will mainly focus on Islamic education I received in mosque from the Maulana (Muslim priest). My Islamic education consisted of lessons on reading, reciting and occasionally memorizing certain verses of Quran, Muslim’s sacred book; besides, we were taught- how to perform Islamic rituals like daily five time prayers, fasting for a month in a year dictated by Islamic calendar, performing Muslim funerals etc. A significant portion of our Islamic education consisted of passionate listening to Prophet Muhammad’s life and sayings (Hadeeth). We were told every now and then - Islam is the truest religion, there is no God but Allah; prophet Muhammad is Allah’s last messenger, and Quran is Allah’s message toward mankind through His messenger. We often were told about stories depicting supernatural abilities of prophet Muhammad (e.g. prophet Muhammad’s meeting with Allah during an event known as Miraj; stories about how prophet received Allah’s instructions through angel Gabriel etc). Any person even with slightest trace of a doubt in these things, we were told, lacks Iman , which constitute first of the five main pillars of Islam. All the Maulanas and pious Muslims I knew, helped me develop a concept of prophet Muhammad, which was mixed with great awes! Many considered it not only inappropriate, but also sinful to think of Muhammad as an ordinary human being. How could he be an ordinary person, who has shown so many super natural activities (Mujejas)? – we heard from Maulana and other Muslims. On one occasion, we were told, with mere raise of prophet’s index finger, the whole moon broke into two pieces! ‘Still, non-believers didn’t have faith in him’, said Maulana. We were told, only Muslims will enter heaven after death (among them, first, would enter those, who have lived as true Muslims!). We were repeatedly told- among the Allah’s cursed people and serious enemy are those of idle worshippers (Hindus), Nasara (Christians), and Jews! As we were told, often it was supplemented by narration of incidences from prophet’s life; things he said about these groups of people, and the troubles prophet faced from such people, during his life time. We were told- idle worshippers (Hindus), Nasara (Christians), and Jews are the enemies of Islam, and we should always keep distance from them! I do remember, one or two times, we were punished for going to Hindu village fair (Rat Jatra). At that time, I didn’t yet meet any Christians or Jews, but occasionally saw some Hindus, but every time, I kept a safe distance from such people, and would give them a look, not unmixed with surprises! We were warned repeatedly to be alert- so as never to commit Sheerk, the gravest sin in Islam, which means, equating Allah with any other entity. Since Hindus believe in many Gods, they are among the most dangerous sinners in the world, we were told. And since Hindus commit Sheerk, unlike for Muslims, you cannot wish eternal peace for a Hindu, not so even upon his/her death! If we heard the death of a Muslim, we were taught to recite an Arabic prayer (Inna Lillahi Oa Inna Ilahi Rajeon), which is totally different from what we would recite upon hearing the death of a Hindu (Fee nari jahannama khalidin- wishing eternal hell fire!). As for Christians and Jews, we were told, even though their scriptures (New & Old Testament in Bible) once contained words from the Allah through prophets, whom Quran and Muhammed acknowledge; nevertheless, they (Christians and Jews) have deteriorated their scriptures, don’t have faith in Muhammad, and therefore, are not true believers! Girls were instructed to cover their body and put veils on heads, according to Islamic ways. I clearly remember having heard from my Maulana on one occasion that, a woman, who doesn’t cover her body and put veils on head, is like a peeled banana sold in the open market! ‘If a peeled banana is sold in the market, would you buy it?’, asked the Maulana. ’So is a woman without coverings! No body is going to like her’, he concluded. This is what constituted my childhood Islamic education. Needless to say, I took all such sayings and instructions in plain faith, and never doubted it, for all the people in my world were Muslims at that time. I was quite pious. I said five times prayers and recited Quran almost on a daily basis. Often I thanked Allah for having created me as a Muslim! I will give one example to illustrate- how Maulana’s teaching shaped my views about other religions. Starting from the third standard, we had a subject called Religious Studies in our school. For us, Religious Studies meant Islamic studies since there were no Hindu students in our class. Since question papers were not made by our own school teachers, rather, by a group of teachers of the local Thana (police station), same set of question papers were sent to different schools, of which some had Hindu students. Therefore, the question papers on Religious Studies had two different sections. First half was on Islam and second half was on Hindu Religion. During exam, once we were handed over question papers, the first thing we, the Muslim students, would do was crossing out questions on Hindu Religion. We crossed out the Hindu section such a way that almost nothing would be readable thereafter. We did so this because, we thought, even looking at questions on Hindu Religion was a great sin!

Later in life, after being doubtful about Maulana’s teaching, I tried to learn the basis of such parochial and dogmatic views, and I found my answer in Quran itself! I will come to that later.

In the year 1990, I finished my secondary education (SSC) and went to capital city, Dhaka, some 350 kms away from my home, to pursue higher secondary (HSC) education. There I remained for about two and half years. Till then, I was a pious Muslim and never found any reason to doubt anything of Islam. Of course, shifting from a small village to, all the way, capital city was a remarkable event, and I learned a lot of new things previously unknown to me, nevertheless, nothing happened in my life to reevaluate my Islamic beliefs. For example, now I studied in a famous Christian Missionary College and met many Christian and Hindu teachers and students, however, I did remain very much a ‘mainstream’ Muslim with the typical basic beliefs such as, Islam is the truest religion in the world, Quran is Allah’s words and prophet Muhammad is Allah’s true messenger. Another important concept that was repeatedly installed into our mind by Maulana and all the Muslims I knew, was sentiment of Muslim Umma, which means, all Muslims are my brothers and sisters, and I must always pray for them. All the Islamic gatherings I attended, ended with a passionate prayer (Doa) and it was about the well being of all Muslims in the world. I don’t recall even single such event that included prayer for the benefit of any non-Muslims! Whole prayer revolved around the benefits of Muslim brotherhood. However, cracks in my Islamic beliefs started to appear, not until I went to India for higher studies.

My experiences in India (1993 to 1998) - beginning of skepticism:   Staying in India for five years is one of the most significant events of my life! It was in India, I experienced my first love, memory of which I cherish to date! The word ‘India’ gives me feelings of nostalgia, more than the word, ‘Bangladesh’, my own country! I met quite a few very decent, liberal and caring people; we became good friends and are so till now. Again, it was in India, for the first time in life, I experienced and was taken aback by the anthropological, cultural and religious diversity of human beings. So many people, such a diverse nature, so many culture and so many language; yet it is a single country! My acquaintance with the diversity of nature and people in India played an important role in later development of humanist philosophy in my mind. Of my five years of stay, I spent first three years in Bangalore of Karanataka, a south Indian state, and next two years in Mysore , another small town in Karnataka state.

I need to elaborate a little bit about my first love as this experience is related to later development of skepticism in my mind. It was while I was in Bangalore doing my first year of B.Sc course, I fell in love with a school going Hindu girl of the neighborhood. I had a small motorcycle and it was, probably, July, 1993: it has been two months since we came to India. We, five Bangladesh students,   rented a house. One day after noon, after the college, I was roaming on motorcycle with a fellow-Bangladeshi friend behind me, I saw a girl on the roof of a house, near by Hindu temple, which was located few blocks away, down the road, of our house. I don’t know why, looking at the girl, I lost myself! I was enthralled by her beauty! I felt, what people call ‘love at the first sight’! I felt, this girl has been created just for me! Thereafter, days and night she was in my mind. I gave her the name ROJA, after the title of a south Indian super hit film at that time, which was based on a romantic love story between a Muslim girl and a Hindu boy. Roja was a student of ninth standard in the local school. Within a few days, I got it all by heart- time she would go to school at, her returning time from school, and the time- when she would go to the temple in the late afternoon. I followed her silently for two years without daring to talk to her. At last, one day, after two years, I followed her to the school in a bus with the courage of a close friend of mine, who accompanied me to her school. I talked to her and liked it very much. She, herself, also appeared to be very interesting in me. A month went by, I didn’t let her know- I was from Bangladesh. Instead, I said, I was from West Bengal, a province of India, where people speak same language as people in Bangladesh. After a month, I disclosed my real identity and said, I am a Bangladeshi Muslim. After a week, she declined to continue relationship on the ground that an uncle of hers has seen her with me and complained back to her parents. It should be mentioned that her parents were south Indian Brahmins, who are known to be very orthodox among Hindus. I drew the conclusion, she withdrew herself from the relation, because, once she learned- I was a Muslim from Bangladesh, she didn’t see much hopes in our relation. Though, she, herself, was not an orthodox, her parents were, and her society was! Later, when I told my brother and mother about this incidence, I was rebuked for being so close with a Hindu girl! My first love ended painfully, with religion being the main hurdle. However, it left me with a big question: why did it happen that, I am a Muslim boy but fell in love with a Hindu girl, and that too, so passionately? Why did I feel so much for her, when there were so many other girls? Where couldn’t my religion stop me? Then, is what people say right, that is to say, love is blind and doesn’t know the limits of race, religion and country? So, is it natural to fall in love with her, because we both are humans with emotions? If so, is the religion artificial then? My love was natural, I thought, because nothing kept me from falling in love with her. On the other hand, no body induced me to love her. For couples of week, I couldn’t concentrate on my studies. I felt, my life had no meaning! I was quite shocked over a long period of time. So many things kept coming into my mind. I remember having studied human anatomy, physiology in my B.Sc class. Aren’t they (human body and physiology) same throughout whole human race? Is the physiology of a Hindu different from that of a Muslim? Doesn’t it mean, we all are created by same creator? Why does it matter, if some people call the creator Allah and others call Bhagwan, or God? Is the religion man made then? First trace of skepticism developed in my mind. However, I still didn’t start to scrutinize religion. Meantime, while in college, I made some very great friends and many of them happened to be Hindu Brahmins (others were non-Brahmin Hindus). We became very intimate friends. Often I would go to their houses and spend time. Some of my friends’ mothers reminded me very much of my own mother left in Bangladesh. Their love and affections toward their son and his friend (me) , every day concerns, asking repeatedly for God’s favor for the well being of their son, etc were very typical a Bangladeshi mother! I will give one example. After purchasing a new motorcycle, I went to visit my friend’s house. My friend’s mother didn’t let me ride the new motorcycle second time without ensuring that I’ve first sought Goddess’ blessing for my new motorcycle! She performed a small puja (seeking God’s blessing according to Hindu custom) on my new motorcycle. I sought an answer to the question: why did she want me to perform a puja when she knew, I am a Muslim, who doesn’t believe in such thing? My explanation was: she loves me as a friend of her son and doesn’t want me to be deprived of Goddess’ blessing. She did- what she believed best for me. I realized- beyond the layers of a different religion and custom, she too is a mother, just like my own! From a close distance, I observed many Hindu customs and rituals. But in a lot of ways, south Indian Hindu customs and traditions were different than those of Bengali Hindus. I participated in many Hindu festivals and ceremonies. Even for me, Hindu events like Hooli (playing with colors), Dewali, became matters of great celebrations! In August, 1996, I finished my B.Sc degree, left Bangalore for Mysore, which was some 70 Kms away from Bangalore. There also I made quite a few very good friends. When we finished first year of our Master’s degree, our class went on a month long all India trip. That was very recreational and educative. For a month, teachers, boys and girls were together. We ate together, slept together and had chatty discussions together. I also went on a short trip while I was in Bangalore. So it should be obvious that I had a very great time in India. To date, some of my best friends are from India. My acquaintance and own practical experiences with Indian friends made me realize- there are good people in every religion and culture. It gave rise to certain questions in my mind. My own experience came in clear contradictions with what I heard about Hindus back home. I asked myself, are the views of many Muslims about Hindus right? I remember having being warned by my mother, prior to my every departure to India: “son, always remember, that’s a land of Hindus! Always be cautious while dealing with Hindus.” But how could I say, it’s just a popular misconception? Does Islam, itself, hold very favorable views about Hindus, or people of other religions? I felt very helpless to recall my Maulana’s teachings: Muslims can wish peace only for Muslims; If a Hindu dies, immediate reaction of a pious Muslim is wishing eternal hell fire! I don’t care so much about other Hindus as I do about those I’m close to? How could I wish hell fire, God forbids, say, if I hear, Naganand, my dearest friend, has died? How could the truest religion in the world hold such parochial and misanthropic views? Are not Hindus human beings? Then, is it because religion is man made, and therefore could not succeed in overcoming typical human narrow-mindedness, such as wishing and doing good to the members of one’s own community only (‘racial prejudice’)? During the last two years of my stay in India, my mind remained preoccupied with all such questions. All these I am saying not to imply that all the Hindu people I met in India are equally great and all the Muslim people I knew in Bangladesh are bad! Not at all! Even at that time, I clearly realized- no where people are purely homogenous in their characteristics! Nevertheless, I couldn’t help asking myself: why do I belong to a religion whose teachings contradict with real life experience? I would not elaborate more about my experiences in India except that it was during last three years (1995 to 1998) of my stay in India, when I started being skeptical about my religion Islam. However, it happened very silently. I sought explanations for some of the contradictio ns I faced in India only at a later stage. In July, 1998, I finished my Master’s degree, and left India permanently.

Back to Bangladesh (1998-2000): my faith becomes shaken! I came back to Bangladesh and started preparing myself for higher studies in USA. From mid July 1998 to end of July 2000, I was in Bangladesh. At that time, I started collecting books on the philosophy. I learned about rationalism. I was particularly attracted by the writings of Aroj Ali Matubbor, a self –made Bangladeshi Philosopher. I was happy to learn that there are also others who don’t take religious teachings in plain faith. Aroj Ali’s books were interesting, but he didn’t reach any conclusion himself. His method was asking questions and discussing Islamic explanations in contrast with other rationalistic explanations. For example: Aroj Ali asked, is it possible for a single individual to be the kindest and most just at the same time? According to him, a person sticking to justice can’t always indulge in kindness, or a kindest person always cannot be most just. But we know, according to Quran, Allah is said to be the kindest and most just! Another humanist and rationalistic

iconoclast of the time was late Professor Ahmed Shariff of Dhaka University, Bangladesh. I must admit, I was heavily influenced by his writings, which univocally emphasized on reason over blind faith. Not so surprising, in Bangladesh he was declared ‘Murtad’ (nonbeliever and an enemy of Islam!) by the Mullas (Muslim clergies)! Like Aroj Ali, Professor Shariff also donated his dead body for Medical research through will prior to his death. After Prof. Shariff died in 1999, I collected books by him, read them, and also I read articles on him written by others. One thing struck my mind very much: even those who disagreed with his opinion on religion admitted that- Prof. Shariff led a thoroughly honest life. I couldn’t help asking myself a question: Prof. Shariff, beyond doubt, was an atheist; yet he was an honest man! Doesn’t it imply- one can lead a decent life without sticking to religion? I kept thinking about the issue for several days. I also pondered, if there is an afterlife; according to Islam, Shariff, for sure, would suffer eternal hell fire, but would it be fair? Why should an honest man be punished so severely by Allah, who, we know, is the kindest? I didn’t find satisfactory answer. Another rationalistic writer who influenced me heavily was Prabir Ghosh of Calcutta, India. His famous Bengali book, “Aloukik noy, loukik” (“Natural, not supernatural”) is full of scientific and rationalistic explanations for many so-called miracles. Other Bangladeshi writers whom I had read, and who were critical of Islamic ideology were Humayun Azad, Taslima Nasrin. By then, Taslima Nasrin was an internationally well-known feminist writer. It should be mentioned that, like Professor Shariff, Mullas declared her as well ‘Murtad’ and issued fatwa (ruling based on Islamic laws) against her (there was a big bounty for her head!). I started losing faith in Islam. At home, often I was rebuked for not saying prayers by my mother and brothers. My mother at that time commented, “I made a great mistake by permitting you to go to India! Now I understand, what Hindus have done to you!”. Fortunately, a distant nephew of mine was a student of Social Studies. At secondary school, he was a classmate of mine and we are of same age. I discussed with him many philosophical issues. We discussed together Plato’s famous Republic, how Plato’s views had influenced later Christianity, how Aristotle, a long time student at Plato’s Academy, differed from his master through rationalistic explanation of nature and human mind, etc. As for the Islam, we both concluded, Quran is a modified extension of Old Testament. Thus my time in Bangladesh ended and I left for USA in July, 2000.

In USA- I become a humanist (July 2000 till present): By the end of July 2000, I came to USA on student visa (F-1) and joined Colorado State University, Fort Collins, Colorado, to do Ph.D. in Cell & Molecular Biology. Interestingly, I found Americans and their culture significantly liberal, humane and friendly than ours. I didn’t at all experience what some people call ‘cultural shock’. I thought, this is human and this is how it should be. In particular, I have been appreciative of the trend of American culture that- if a boy and a girl meet, and over a period of time, like each other, then race, religion hardly matters in their relation. I wished, I had met my Roja in USA! Here I had free access to internet, both in the library and in the lab I worked in. I quickly became obsessed with internet. Needless to say, most of time I spent reading philosophy on internet. For the first time in life I started reading English articles of famous thinkers like Albert Einstein, Spinoza, Descartes, and Bertrand Russell etc. In particular, I was   interested to learn what all these great minds thought about religion. With help of internet search engine, I rediscovered CSCIOP (Committee for the Scientific Investigations Of Paranormals). It may be mentioned, while in Bangladesh, I read about CSICOP and their activities in Probhir Gosh’s book. Through CSICOP, I came to know about Council for Secular Humanism –CSH (www.secularhumanism.org), the largest organization of humanists, atheists, and agnostics in North America. Joy abounded in me when I discovered- I’m not alone and there are so many people in the world who think in similar direction about organized religions! I contacted CSH to inform- I’m a humanist and I do share their principles and views. They responded with greetings and provided me with the internet links to many more affiliated humanist organizations. Among them was Institute for the Secularization of Islamic Society –ISIS (www.secularislam.org). To date, CSH and ISIS websites remain two of my most favorite, informative and educative internet resources! At ISIS website, I found good number articles written by learned persons that debunk the myths associated with Islam, Muhammad and Quran. I found answers to many of my questions. I read history of compilation of Quran written by Ibne Warraq, a Muslim apostate and a scholar by any definition, contradictions of Quran written by Syed Kamran Mirza and other ambiguities in Quranic verses. Besides, I found it very interesting to learn about freethinkers that swayed Islam and its history. One such freethinker of Muslim origin is poet Al Ma’arri (973-1057), sometimes known as Eastern

Lucretius. For Al-Ma'arri, religion is a "fable invented by the ancients," worthless except for those who exploit the credulous masses. Another freethinker and skeptic of Muslim origin is Omar Khayam, who said:

“Why, all the Saints and Sages who discuss’d
Of the Two Worlds so learnedly, are thrust
Like foolish Prophets forth; their Words to Scorn
Are scatter’d, and their Mouths are stopt with Dust.”

Meantime, through internet, I came across few more fellow-Bangladeshi freethinkers living abroad, who consider themselves as apostates. We formed an online forum called Mukto-Mona ,(freethinkers) [www.mukto-mona.com], interacted almost on regular basis and discussed the ways to rationalize Islam. We all agreed with the views of ISIS, which says, ”…Islamic society has been held back by an unwillingness to subject its beliefs, laws and practices to critical examination, by a lack of respect for the rights of the individual, and by an unwillingness to tolerate alternative viewpoints or to engage in constructive dialogue.”. We started writing articles on a regular basis at NFB (News from Bangladesh, an internet based daily newspaper). It was interesting to see how sharply Mullas reacted to our criticisms of Islam. Often we received hate mails from Mullas. Some were from Bangladeshi Muslims; others were from Muslims of other countries! The Mullas were enraged by our effort to demystify Islam. Sometimes, I wrote articles using my real name (Jahed Ahmed), other time I used pseudonym such as Satya Sondhani (truth seeker), Ray. J. Akash. The former became quite popular and became a subject of intense hatred for Mullas. Avjit Roy, a fellow Bangladeshi, founder and modeartor of Mukto-mona and a very active freethinker, has saved some of my articles, which are available online at –

http://humanists.net/avijit/aroj_ali/secular_article.htm

Through internet we came across another very devoted, energetic freethinker from Iran. His name is Dr. Ali Sina. Including him and some more freethinkers from USA, Canada, we founded Faith Freedom International (www.faithfreedom.org). This website has been a very popular one, but for obvious reasons, also has been a matter of immense concerns for Mullas. Meantime, I came in contact (online) with Ibne Warraq, the founder of ISIS. In August 2001, I faced a personal disastrous problem of academic origin. I was dismissed from graduate school! Of curse, it didn’t happen overnight. Due to my over participation on issues, not related to my subject, my GPA (Grade Point Average) went below standard and I was placed on probation during Spring 2001. However, I couldn’t get rid of my obsession with Philosophy and internet, and as a consequence I was dismissed! Then came 9/11. Although profoundly shocked, we were not surprised by the atrocities of Islamic fanatics! We issued a statement addressing world Muslims, emphasizing the root of religious intolerance, hatred in Quran and Hadeeth. I, on behalf of Faith Freedom International, e-mailed a copy of our statement to US President at White House, Washington D.C., and to the Secretary, Dept. of State. A copy of our statement could be viewed at

                        http://main.faithfreedom.org/Articles/sina/call_to_muslims.htm

I left Colorado and came to Michigan by the end of September, 2001. In November (or, may be December), 2001, Ibne Warraq of ISIS invited me at a conference of ex-Muslims at Center for Free Inquiry, Amherst, Buffalo, New York. It was a great event in my life! I met good number of fellow freethinkers from Muslim countries such as Pakistan; Bangladesh, Iran and India. Also I had an opportunity to talk face-to-face with prominent secular humanist philosopher Prof. Paul Kurtz, many of whose writings I was familiar with. He is the founder of CSICOP, as well as Council for Secular Humanism (CSH). The conference lasted for three days. I was allowed to present my personal views through a short speech. As a strategy to secularize Islamic societies, I emphasized on having access to secular curriculum for the children of Muslim countries.

My present views about Islam: questions I didn’t answer: Reading my testimony, one would see- what I learned from Maulana as a child has had a deep impact on my mind at later life. One might argue- Maulana was an ignorant person and his teaching was erroneous. One might say, real Islam is totally different from what Maulana taught me. However, I would certainly disagree with that, for by now, I’ve read Quran and Hadeeth myself, and I do think, what Maulana taught me significantly exist in Muslims’ Holy Scripture. I will soon quote verses from Quran to present my stand. Before that, I need to comment on popular views about Islam, or views of what we call ‘mainstream’ Muslims. I mentioned in the beginnings that in terms of their views on Islam, my mother, brothers, and sister belong to ‘mainstream’ Muslims. Who are these ‘mainstream’ Muslims? They are the majority of Muslim population, who take words of Quran for granted without ever realizing the need to apply rationale while studying Quran. They, mistakenly, believe- Islam is all about peace (interestingly, US President George W. Bush also seems to believe so)! They also believe, Muhammad is a holy man, the greatest human earth (or, may be , Allah) has ever produced, again- without ever realizing the need to scrutinize his life with a rational mind. Of course, I agree, unlike Islamic terrorists, mainstream Muslims don’t commit atrocities to others. However, they are the people who blame the Islamic terrorists for their actions, but they never try to think, many verses of Holy Quran and hadeeth directly are supportive of extremism! Now I will give some proof of Quranic extremism.

First of all, Islam divides the world into two parts: Dar-el-Islam (Land of Muslims) and Dar-el-Harb (Land of War -non Muslims). I don’t know if a Hindu divides the mankind into Hindus and non-Hindus. I’m not certain, if a Christian or a Jews believes in such sectarian views. But I’m sure- Muslims do! I’ve met plenty of Muslims who believe, it is only Islam that can guarantee peace and prosperity for mankind. In accordance with Quran, it is the duty of every Muslim to conquer the non-Muslim land and convert the inhabitants into Islam.

Now I will present an excerpt from Faith Freedom International’s call to world Muslims. It will show verses of Quran, which, by any standard, are inhuman, parochial and potentially dangerous!

“…Quran tells us to: "not to make friendship with Jews and Christians" (Q. 5:51), fight them "until they pay the Jizya (a penalty tax for the non-Muslims living under Islamic rules) with willing submission, and feel themselves subdued" (Q. 9:29). "kill the disbelievers wherever we find them" (Q.2:191), "murder them and treat them harshly" (Q. 9:123), "fight and slay the Pagans, seize them, beleaguer them, and lie in wait for them in every stratagem" (Q. 9:5).

Quran says that all those who disbelieve in Islam go to hell (Q. 5:10), they are najis (filthy, untouchable, impure) (Q. 9:28), and orders us to fight the unbelievers until no other religion except Islam is left (Q.2:193). It prohibits a Muslim to befriend a non-believer even if that non-believer is the father or the brother of that Muslim (Q. 9:23), (Q. 3:28).

It says that the "non-believers will go to hell and will drink boiling water" (Q. 14:17). It asks the Muslims to "slay or crucify or cut the hands and feet of the unbelievers, that they be expelled from the land with disgrace and that they shall have great punishment in the world hereafter" (Q. 5:34). And tells us that "for them (the unbelievers) garments of fire shall be cut and there shall be poured over their heads boiling water whereby whatever is in their bowels and skin shall be dissolved and they will be punished with hooked iron rods" (Q. 22:19-22) and that they not only will have "disgrace in this life, on the Day of Judgment He shall make them taste the Penalty of burning (Fire)" (22:9).

Quran says that "those who invoke a God other than Allah not only should meet punishment in this world but the Penalty on the Day of Judgment will be doubled to them, and they will dwell therein in ignominy" (Q. 25:68). For those who "believe not in Allah and His Messenger, He has prepared, for those who reject Allah, a Blazing Fire!" (Q. 48:13).

As for him who does not believe in Islam the Prophet says that after he dies it will be announced with a "stern command": "Seize ye him, and bind ye him, And burn ye him in the Blazing Fire. Further, make him march in a chain, whereof the length is seventy cubits! This was he that would not believe in Allah Most High. And would not encourage the feeding of the indigent! So no friend hath he here this Day. Nor hath he any food except the corruption from the washing of wounds, Which none do eat but those in sin." (Q. 69:30-37)

The holy Prophet prescribes fighting for us and tells us that "it is good for us even if we dislike it" (Q.2:216). Then he advises us to "strike off the heads of the disbelievers"; and after making a "wide slaughter among them, carefully tie up the remaining captives" (Q.47:4). Our God has promised to "instill terror into the hearts of the unbelievers" and has ordered us to "smite above their necks and smite all their finger-tips off them" (Q.8:12). and "to strike terror into (the hearts of the enemies" (Q.8:60).

He has made the Jihad mandatory and warns us that "Unless we go forth, (for Jihad) He will punish us with a grievous penalty, and put others in our place" (Q.9:39). Allah speaks to our Holy Prophet and says "O Prophet! strive hard against the unbelievers and the Hypocrites, and be stern against them. Their abode is Hell,- an evil refuge indeed" (Q. 9:73).

He promises us that in the fight for His cause whether we slay or are slain we return to the garden of Paradise (Q. 9:111). In Paradise he will "wed us with Houris (celestial virgins) pure beautiful ones" (Q. 56:54), and unite us with large-eyed beautiful ones while we recline on our thrones set in lines (Q. 56:20). There we are promised to eat and drink pleasantly for what we did (56:19). And have sex with "boys like hidden pearls" (Q. 56:24) and "youth never altering in age like scattered pearls" (Q. 76:19)

As you see, Allah has promised all sorts of rewards, gluttony and unlimited sex to Muslim men who kill the unbelievers in his name, not forgetting even those with pedophilic inclinations. We will be admitted to Paradise where we shall find "goodly things, beautiful ones, pure ones confined to the pavilions that man has not touched them before nor jinni" (Q. 56:67-71).

In the West we enjoy freedom of belief but we are not supposed to give such freedom to anyone else because it is written "If anyone desires a religion other than Islam (submission to Allah), never will it be accepted of him; and in the Hereafter He will be in the ranks of those who have lost (all spiritual good) (Q. 3:85).

As for women, the book of Allah says that they are inferior to men and their husbands have the right to scourge them if they are found disobedient (Q. 4:34). It advises men to take a green branch and beat their wives, because a green branch is more flexible and hurts more. (Q. 38:44). It teaches that women will go to hell if they are disobedient to their husbands (66:10). It maintains that men have an advantage over the women (Q. 2:228). It not only denies the women's equal rights, it decrees that their witness is not admissible in the courts of law (Q. 2:282). This means that a woman who is raped cannot accuse her rapist unless she can produce a male witness. Our Holy Prophet allows us to marry up to four wives and he licensed us to sleep with our slave maids and as many 'captive' women as we may have (4:3) even if those women are already married. He himself did just that…….”

My addition to above: Quran is not the words from God! Muhammad is not a holy man! He married Ayesha, when she was just 9 years (according to some Hadeeths, she was just six!). Isn’t it a case of child abuse? When Khadiza, Mohammed’s first wife, died, he was 49 years, and between 49 and 63 (age when he died) years of his life, he married at least 11 times! Among his wives is, Zainab, who was initially Mohammad’s adopted-son Zayed’s wife. Do these examples justify the myth, that he was the greatest of all humans and God’s true messenger?

Last words- my final identity and aim in life: I was a Muslim, but I’m no more. Does it mean- I’ve no identity to live with? Of course, not! My identity, echoing the words of George Bernard Shaw, is as follows:

“I’m convinced that my life belongs to the whole community; and as long as I live, it is my privilege to do for it whatever I can, for the harder I work the more I live. I rejoice in life for its own sake. Life is no brief candle to me. It is a sort of splendid torch which I got hold for a moment, and I want to make it burn as brightly as possible before turning it over to future generations.”

Like the Greek philosopher I quoted in the beginning, I’m a citizen of the world! I don’t need any divine guidance for living a responsible and a decent life. All I need- common sense, compassion and reasons. I love to dream there would come a time in our world, when one person wouldn’t judge another person based on race, religion and complexion. Our first and last identity would be- humans, inhabitants of planet called earth! Superiority of any particular religion or culture over another wouldn’t prevail. I’m sure; I’m not alone in having such a dream! But I will do my part of the job. Through my writings, I would like to stimulate minds of educated Muslims throughout world. I aspire to revive the lost trends of ‘Golden Age of Islam’ (9th century to 13th century), which was marked by traditions of Muslim rationalists called Mutazillatese. Inspired by the Greek learning, and adhering to rational inquiry, Muslim world flourished remarkably in Astronomy, Medicine, Mathematics, Arts and philosophy. Some great thinkers of golden age are- astronomer Al Sufi, Al Biruni (born in 973), physician Ibne Sina (born in 981), physicist Al-Haytham (born in 965). However, this trend didn’t last . With the change of social-political phenomena, fundamentalism rose, and rationalist traditions submerged in the ocean of darkness, from which Muslim world is yet to emerge! But I’m optimistic, for change is the vital force of human history!

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Ben Rukhsana ^ up

I have been a practising Muslim since I was a little boy. My parents are what British newspapers would call practising moderate Muslims, as were their parents. I grew up aspiring to devote my life to Islam by becoming a religious scholar. This ambition seriously affected my social and work life, which is something I deeply regret now. My greatest regret is how Islam affected my academic life. Up till age 16 I was a good student and earned good grades. At 16 I was influenced by Muslims following the Salafi interpretation of Islam. It’s at this time when my interest in studying dropped. I spent most of my time reading Islamic books and going to Islamic lectures, even at the expense of missing my college classes. I completed my course with poor grades but somehow got into university to study law. After one year of law school I was persuaded by friends to drop out and transfer to another university to pursue Arabic language studies with the hope of eventually studying in Madina University in Saudi Arabia. I studied Arabic at university for 3 years including a year studying in an Arab country. Throughout this time my circle of friends changed to one who practised a very orthodox Salafi interpretation of Islam. It did not allow co-education. Since this was unavoidable at university, I left. Even though I only had one year of studying before graduation!

I left Islam in March 2003 when I was 24, about a year after leaving uni. Since I dropped out of uni I had more time to study Islam. To my horror I came across certain things in the Quran and Sunna which shook my belief in the Quran as a divine book and Muhammad as a prophet. Firstly, Allah’s saying in the Quran that husbands should beat their wives if they are disobedient. Islamic scholars say that beating is a last resort and that the beating should be done in a way that does not cause injury. That doesn’t make it any better though, a beating is a beating! Secondly, Muhammad having sex with Aisha when she was just nine years old. Apologetics say that she had started menstruating so it was ok. But the authentic hadiths show that she was still a child psychologically because she was still playing with dolls. In my view, Muhammad was a paedophile. These were the two main reasons why I left Islam.

Since my apostacy I have shaved off my long beard which I have had since I was 16. It deeply shocked my family and friends to see me clean shaven and no longer praying and reading the Quran regularly so I can imagine their reaction if I tell them I am no longer a Muslim! That is why I am going to keep my apostacy secret from them. At the moment they think I am still a Muslim but just not practising. Since my apostacy I have re-examined my beliefs about everything. I still hold on to many of the good things I have learnt such as honesty, being just, kind, polite, respect for elders, giving to charity etc. However, I have discarded all the evil and intolerant teachings of Islam and I am re-reading the Quran and Sunna with a very critical eye. Now I am just concentrating on being a good human being and making a positive contribution towards society.

I was very happy to find this website and others like it. It’s very comforting to know that I am not alone. I’d be more than happy for other ex-Muslims to contact me if they so wish.

Yours faithfully,
Ben Rukhsana (pseudonym)

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Ismahan Levi ^ up

I was born into a family of Saudi Arabian traders. My parents moved from Saudi Arabia to Syria, where I was born, to expand the business they owned and managed. When I was four years old my father decided the family would return to Saudi Arabia. From conversations I later had my mother I learned the six years he’d spent in Syria, though, had changed him. My parents were educated and well to do, but my father hadn’t travelled much in his lifetime before moving to Syria; it was there that he came into contact with people of different faiths and views and, through conversations with acquaintances and others, became aware of views which were at odds with those of his own Islamic faith. Despite financial gains, he was increasingly uncomfortable with being in close proximity with non-Islamic faiths and at the end of his sixth year in Syria decided to return to Saudi Arabia (and, as an acquaintance of mine would put it years later without mincing words, his comfort zone).

I was brought up in the Islamic fashion in Saudi Arabia and, when I was six, began to wear the dress insisted upon by Islam and society. As is usual in that country, I went to a girls-only school and learned “how to read the Quran”, how to be a good and obedient wife and mother, and how I could hope for an eternal life in paradise by remaining obedient to my husband. I believed this, as any six year-old would. My father insisted I also read the Quran aloud to him after dinner and explain to him, in my words, what the verses meant. The enjoyment he derived from listening to me read to him would turn to anger when, in later years, I began to question those same verses. By the age of seventeen I found the “education” I was receiving stultifying and discussed returning to Syria to study at a university there with my mother. I also told her I was opposed to the marriage arrangements my father was making for me, and that I wanted to have a university education as he had without the additional burden of being “an obedient wife”. The two of us spoke to my father about this and he agreed to it. Arrangements were made for me to live with family friends in Syria while I studied.

Coming from a strict and orthodox regime into the comparatively free Syrian society was like a breath of fresh air. There was, of course, the initial shock of finding oneself amongst peers who discussed politics and religion and enunciated what appeared to me at the time to be dangerous views, not realising that what was “daring” discussion in Syria was seen as middle of the road views in the West. Then there was the matter of dress. Furthermore, never having ventured out alone, it was almost daunting to be driven to class without my father and later, for the sake of convenience, to be given the opportunity to learn to drive a car! Once past the shock of this newfound openness and freedom I decided to make as much use of it as I could before returning to Saudi Arabia. Apart from my chosen subject at university I read as much as I could on religion, philosophy and sociology. I was trying to find the answers to the questions I had regarding the Quran. I still went to the mosque with my guardians every week and observed all the religious festivals for I was still a Muslim.

At the university library I couldn’t believe the sheer wealth of knowledge available on theology and Islam, on philosophy and sociology. The only books on theology I’d come across in my school library in Saudi Arabia dealt with Islam and Islam alone. As far as Saudi Arabia is concerned no other religion exists, save for those corruptions of Islam such as Judaism and Christianity. I was like the proverbial child in the candy store who is told she could have anything she wanted. For the first time I heard of al-Ma’ari. This was a watershed. The questions I’d asked of my father were naïve and childish compared to the views of al-Ma’ari asked. Like many Muslims before me have done, I spent a lot of time reading his Luzumiyat and other works if only to prove he was mistaken. His description of religion as a noxious weed, as a fable invented by the ancients, and his denial of a resurrection were heresy by any standards. For the first time, I read poetry which did not distinguish between Islam and other religions, treating all with equal contempt:

Hanifs are stumbling, Christians all astray

Jews wildered, Magians far on error's way.

We mortals are composed of two great schools

Enlightened knaves or else religious fools.

In Saudi Arabia I was taught that Islam is the only way to paradise. In Syria I heard discussions on the strengths and weaknesses of religions, but here, for the first time, I was reading words which dispensed with religion altogether. Having been brought up in a rigidly Islamic society it took a while before my mind could even grasp the concept. I recall staying up until three in the morning reading al-Ma’ari’s works trying to decipher the true meaning beyond his dissimulation, trying to find how he could claim to be a good man while ridiculing every Islamic tenet. This led me to further reading; I read the works of accepted Muslim apologists but they merely raised more questions. They either did not acknowledge those parts of the Quran which ran counter to their arguments or more or less stated that it had to be accepted on faith alone. I read the works of several “Orientalists”. These authors appeared to lend credence al-Ma’ari’s views. I took my problem to a trusted teacher at university. I spent hours with her discussing my dilemma. She pointed out two paths and told me she could give me a map, but the journey was mine to make.

I finally realised I was at a crossroad: I could continue to pursue what was an increasingly dangerous study and attempt to find the answers I sought or close once and for all the books I’d brought from the library and return to my comfortable Islamic way of life, where no questions on Islam and its prophet are brooked and none asked. The second option would ensure I had a materially comfortable life and I would sink into that pleasant anonymity wherein any ripples in life’s stream are soon calmed using the oils of religion. The first option, though more dangerous to my belief system, offered me answers to the questions which had dogged me for years. I could live the life my parents wanted me to live or I could try to find my answers even if it meant losing my faith

At the age of nineteen I read of an informal discussion, which was to be held at the university, on the relationship of Islam and Judaism. I went to the meeting expecting the usual softly-softly approach. A lecturer at the university was to speak on Islam while the person speaking on Judaism was a Jew who had just completed a doctoral thesis on a subject with relevance to religion. Within the first ten minutes of his speech the Jewish gentleman had demolished whatever ideas I held as to what constitutes a prophet. It became more serious from there on. He drew parallels between Judaism and Islam and demonstrated how the latter had to compete with other religions to gain the belief of the populace. Here, at last, were the answers I had been looking for, answers based on fact and not belief, on credibility not blind faith.

I got in touch with the gentleman and soon was involved in regular correspondence with him. This in itself was dangerous. Should my guardian family come to know I was corresponding with a Jew, they would not hesitate to contact my father and my newfound freedoms would come to an end immediately. However, the benefits, to my mind, outweighed the risks. For the first time in my life I had someone who could give me very specific answers to the questions I still had or point me to specific texts, thus saving me the bother of searching through several texts. We met on several occasions, always at cafes and other open venues and obviously without the knowledge of my guardians. When he invited me to his home to meet his family I was in two minds. To visit the house of a Jew was unthinkable to my family and yet we had, by now, struck up a strong and valued friendship. I went to his home for a meal.

His family welcomed me as warmly as mine would close and cherished friends. I’d half expected to encounter, if not coldness given my nationality and/or religion, at least some strain or difficulty. I was wrong, completely wrong. I was immediately made to feel part of the family, asked if I would care to pray over the meal to my Islamic deity, using Arabic. I declined because by then I was fast losing the faith I’d once held so strongly in Islam and its beliefs. By the end of that meal I knew beyond doubt that I was privileged to have met this family, these Jews I’d been brought up to regard as inimical to Islam and Muslims, and that we were to be friends forever. They are good people who hold to their religious views with great faith but have not, in the years that I have known them now, made the slightest attempt in any way to impose that faith upon me or even persuade me as to the validity of that faith. That meeting was the first of many, every one of them enjoyed, every minute cherished.

I returned to my guardian’s home and knew I had to re-think my values. The views I’d held of Jews in general were wrong. But if they were wrong what was I to make of the teachings in the Quran which emphasised their sins and perceived wrongdoing? I turned increasingly to my reading of the treatises on the Quran until I realised that I wasn’t looking for explanations any longer but a valid excuse which would allow me to maintain the beliefs with which I’d been brought up. It was with a heavy heart that I realised that blind belief in a self-contradictory text was not for me any longer.

At the same time, the meetings with my Jewish friend grew more frequent and when he proposed to me I accepted. He told me he recognised the difficulties we would face and the obvious physical danger to his family and us. He also told me that we would have to emigrate from Syria even if my family accepted our relationship.

When I telephoned my father to explain my feelings and actions he was furious and disowned me. He had me declared apostate in Saudi Arabia and Syria and ensured my name was mentioned as an apostate in mosques there. My fiancé and I knew we had to leave Syria immediately. We were married very shortly thereafter and, despite our hardships, have never once regretted our decision. We moved to a Western nation where we now reside permanently. I maintained surreptitious contact with my Mother who, while saddened at the prospect of never seeing me again, tried to understand the rationale behind my loss of faith. My husband and I developed our respective careers in our new homeland.

About six months ago, towards the end of 2002, my Mother called me to tell me that my father was very ill. Few think of their parents as mortal, it may be the last vestiges of the child within us. The news came as a shock. Greater was the shock, though, at the news that my father wished to see me again, together with my husband. We couldn’t meet in Saudi Arabia - that would have been foolhardy; so we met (with no small difficulty to my father) in Syria. The meeting was emotional. I tried to explain to my father what I felt, my beliefs, my love for my husband. He explained to me his anger at having his beliefs shattered by his daughter and the pressure brought to bear upon him by relatives and friends to have me declared apostate. Then came the reconciliation. He told me I was his still his daughter, that he couldn’t deny me, that he accepted my husband as his son-in-law, and that he now knew that no god would tear a family apart. His death five weeks later was all the more bitter because of our reconciliation, of the lack of time to say all we wanted.

My husband and I returned to our home in the West knowing my father’s relatives and friends would still persecute us had we decided to remain in Syria. I have now given up any faith I ever had in Islam. I see it for what it is: a man-made, duplicitous fabrication, a lust for power which tolerates no resistance, despite what its texts might claim. I also know now it is this very intolerance which will be its downfall. The West need not start a crusade against Islam to destroy it; its complete and total metamorphosis will come from within. The process has begun in Iran, with Soroush at the forefront, which is ironic, seeing that the latest Islamic surge began there in 1979.

For me, it cannot come too soon.

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